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Well what a night eh?? lol oh god lol it's scarily cool/weird lol

Well basically I've broken up with my 2 and 1/2 year girlfriend and it's strange because we were both so cool with it like it was meant to be.

I never wanted to hurt her but we were jus 2 different ppl and it all came to a head really :s lol its nut's I've got to sort myself a new place A.S.A.P and work out where am headed now you know I've got to be there for my baby she's all I have and all I care about I think me an my ex in time will be cool friends and that is something genuine to lookk 4ward to.

I realised 2nite that I REALLY can't cry I tried and felt like it but I jus can't lol am a freak man its cool lol..................actually you know its not that funny it really ain't.

But now as a proverbial new dawn rises I see no light yet but I hope that soon the light will fall upon my face and give me a sense of direction/purpose and that I will fulfill it with all my self and soul and make my baby proud of me :)

well title sez it all really lol i neded to kill something but I'd rather just light a fag and watch the sunset on the docks of liverpool and thank god 4 the baby I have who loves me unconditionally and wonder where I'll be in 20 years time :) *sigh* I hope the wind don't change I'd hate to be stuck like this lol till next time spidey fans :)

LOL....................................................lol................

lol lol lol lol

Sorry I jus found out why I got the warning apparently I was abusive (I was swearing, won't deny that but I didn't swear at anyone I was just like "I can't fuckin believe this)

I intimidated staff (I was pacing and acting aggressive BUT not toward anyone I wouldn't do that) anyway the intimidated staff

A)Didn't know me

B)Only stuck there head out the doors to see what the noise was.

and to top it all off....................................fuck it I've bitched enough I'm goin to get wasted (I.e PS2 and a lot of LOUD music)

Well gather round kiddies because Daddy's got a story to tell....................................

I was incollege yesterday and to cut a LONG story short I went the bank to check my balance as it was payday *YAY* but I get there all I see is 0.00.

Anyway a lil upset/pissed I go back to college have a smoke then go in wanting answers.I go in and theres my assesor Nichelle and she ask's whats up so I tell hjer and she is all confused because I gave my time sheet to her in person so she goes to ring head of accounts who's also worx at the college.Bearing all this in mind this particular day I had to.............

A)Sort my baby's finance out i.e Nappies and stuff

B)Get my mum a 43rd bday present

C)Have money for saturday because a special person is coming down and I promised to show them a good time

Anyway assesor gets on the phone to money dude and gues what???

THEY SPEND 15 MINUTES ARGUIN AMONGST THEMSELVES ABOUT WHO HANDED IT TO BLOODY WHO AND THEN TELL ME "oH SORRY WE'LL HAVE TO SORT IT NEXT WEEK"

Needless to say I was pissed as hell and the assesor was apologising because it (Timesheet) was there in front of us but I was stiffed so I left and tried to control my anger but lost and threw my bag on the floor and it slid and opened a security door (Its closed with heavy magnets you need a swipe card to get through them) and I just, I dunno sighed in anger raored whatever but basically now I had my warning i.e my final one *+(never even got a first OR 2nd) and now I got to do "anger management"..................................then I went all the way to bloody aintree (2 buse's and 1 train away=1hr 15mins) to pick up an emergency check......................anyway I never hurt anyone whilst I was pissed off or did anything wrong.

They screw up I get angry at them/myself and I get tghe warning fuckin stupid you ask me :(

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

What?? OH SNECK!!! lol sorry didn't see y'all there *goes red at the sight of HEMB in boxers* (Hetrosexual Early Morning Boner)

*YAWN* sorry stayed up till 4 last night on a college day no less lol still made it 4 nine though :s hell I was even tryin to be late as well oh well sod's law I suppose anyway I stayed up late because I watched The Crow then realised a mate of mine had lent me House Of A Thousand Corpse's (Rob Z of course !!!) and Ichi the Killer and OMG 2 of the best films I've seen in a long time by far I really enjoyed both but Ichi the killer scared the crap outta me at one point because Ichi was being described to another chatracter and if it weren't for a few differences I swear to god he could almost be describing me to an extent *Shudder* freaky yet slightly cool I must admit lol anyway am goin to catch a few zzzzz's in classs later y'all........................................4 now (btw I hope they do a sequel to HOATC)

Done it again.

I couldn't drop it and well "all good things" eh??

I dunno I try to help/be intrested usually I really do know when to leave stuff but other times lol.............there are other times :).

Aw god I am such a........................................don't even know the word really but believe me it ain't good lol but anyway had a good day today lookin forward to saturday 4 some reason ;o lol maybe goin to see constantine or jus chillin with the dudes or maybe chillin with some1 else lol who knows? lol anyway g2 (I'm talkin to myself??? aw nuts lol well exactly I am :) lol later

We see whats coming and all it brings yet we puff out our chest's and stay there knowing the world of hurt it's gonna bring yet we stand resolutely anyway.......................I smile and tell the BITCH to bring it on and no matter how much I suffer in agony I will through gritted teeth laugh and call it a (insert own expletive young slang term here) and jus make it more angry i.e. hurting me more then I'll still laugh as it lose's its potency I will grab it by the shoulders look it into it's pain filled eyes and kiss it and say

"Nice try but I'm still gonna smile and be ready for the rest of your family and am gonna give them all a nice big wet kiss and get on with my life."

You know bein here can dull the sense's a lil bit and obviously I don't mean that in a bad way but it hit me last night/today that I sort've spend too much time here :).

I have made many good friends here and yay I hope to meet all of them one day but last night I had a kickass time with my mates and I was drinkin and havin a laugh with them and it was jus so much fun I realised that friends I mean really good ones are gonna stick with you no matter what and you chose them :) I dunno guess that makes them kinda more important(ish) lol but you know what I mean I jus realised that my mates really do mean the world to me it jus hit me like a wet kipper last night :).

You ever seen Starship Troopers??

Well the part where the base is overrun and there evacuating I had a dream that I was with Dizzy but it wasn't her it was some1 else but I held them as they left me and they told me that they were happy because they got to "Have you".

It was upsettin I honestly felt like cryin when I woke up but as you know I can't vry so I jus played Spidey 2 till I felt better....................................................I completed it 3 times :( it was a fucked up dream.

Forgive my attempt at humour :)

Well no particular reason for typing here than again never is really is there :).

I'm jus sittin here listening to Dre and Eminem ( iget one msg sayin there crap jus don't even tempt me >:(

LOL sorry jus sort of bored you know I wanna talk yet listen I wanna party but also jus kick back and relax :) I'm complicated lik that :)

No seriously I can't the las time I cried was when my baby was born since then I can't cry.

Its wierd and it hurts like physically if I feel like it I physically can't cry no more I don't know why.......I could turn this all poetic and crap i.e. I used up all my tears yadd yadd yadda but I won't cos am deadly serious I feel like it sometimes yeah but I jus can't do it.

I feel like it though sometimes I can feel it in me like a stranger lookin over my shoulder but it jus doesn't happen could be worse though could be impotent lol but still if ANY of you are thinkin "yeah thats cool" no iit is believe me not imagine losing a facial expression or never scowling or laughing ever again I can't cry and you know what it sux :(

Nothin insightful or groundbreaking I'm afraid :) jus feel floaty today, you know here but not exactly :).

Trawling the proverbial annal's of this place sometimes I'm a lil saddened at the amouint of unhappy ppl here.

I myself have felt similiar to ppl here but whereas they are still troubled as I am about things I seem to myself more................"defiant" as it were.

I refuse to be sad even when am feelin sad I refuse to chew some1's ear off while I ramble on knowing there are larger probs at hand.I mean no disrespect to anyone here of course it's jus that sometimes I get confused I went through or have been through similiar things but when life shovel's crap in my face I tend to either wipe it off shrug and carry on knowing its still there but not ignoring it maybe dealing with it as best as I can and other times I open my mouth wide and swallow so the person doin the shovelling gets mega pissed at me :) which is my own lil form of protest :).

I'm joyful sometimes because I know what I can offer to other ppl and that the world can have SO much to give me and hell you only get one life.

I try to be positive and I am maybe thats good maybe its bad who know's eh??

But at the end of the day I ask myself

"Be depressed watch life go by and regret not living it or grab on close your eyes and hold on tight?" lol I dunno.....................u? lol

LOL you wouldn't believe what I found out yesterday lol well right now every mon and tue I've been working in hospital, surgery to be precise, I meet the patients in the Anaethatist room and stay with them till they go to sleep.

Now i noticed ever Mon and Tue I would go home as usual but by 7:00 I would be asleep which 4 me is VERY unusual.

Anyway to a fellow colleague I made a comment and he laughed and simply said "You've been meeting patients right??" I said yes "Well you see (he continued) when there gettin to sleep you know that mask thay put on the patients face??" I nodded "Well they don't always get a perfect seal around tyhe mouth and well you breathe it in and it has the same effect of puttin you asleep jus takes longer to take effect".

He wasn't kiddin me lol turns out the drug (which is mixed with oxygen) I was breathin it in all daylol no wonder I was knackered lol

You pull me down

To the floor

Of our apartment



A little while later

We are laughing

At our carpet burns



I like the way

That it glows outside

As the room gets darker



How I wish we could

Stay like this

While the rest of the world turns



There has never been a time

When I didn't want to be your boyfriend

There has never been a time

When I didn't want to know your name



Free falling from a work in progress

Free falling from a life on hold

There has never been a time

When I didn't want you













Chorus:

My good lover

Is my one good thing these days

You help me keep it all

From slipping away

I swear I'm gonna meet you someday

(Someday)



I am all alone

And it seems like

All I do is wait

Yes, we spend hours on the phone

But it's never the same



No, nothing good ever does easy

Nothing good ever coms without a fight



I am all alone

And I wish I was home

With you tonight



Chorus



Yeah, my girlfriend is like

Magic in the hand

When I lose my sparkle

She's the only one

That understands



I know I'm going to meet you someday x 2

Yeah, I swear I'm going to marry you someday

Yeah yeah, I swear I'm going to marry you...

Someday x 3



I know plagarism alert but to the person I want to read this it's the monument of how I feel :)

Yes ladies and fucked up gents be human encompass all the wonderful emotions on offer revel in self inflicted mental pain or you could give it like an STI to some1 else now now don't be all sad there good things as well like the sheer happiness you feel when you get to smash your enemy's in front of their nearest and dearest..............................................................................fuck humanity is so friendly to each other we gonna last 4 ever :) (!)

Don't put your heart on show

Protect the weak

Duel oppressor's

Take care of your own

Be yourself

Be kind

Show NO mercy to your enemy's

Friends who turn on you, make them beg and bleed

Don't let ANYBODY throw you off guard

Sleep with obne eye open

Love only your children

Ppl are gonna read this and think WTF?? but you know who its relevant to :-).

LOL hell ppl probably click anyway :).

Anywayz lol (Am I nervous or something??) lol

But I never ignore nor do I try I imagine life without you my heart would die even though its probably already dead you moved something in there in a flash of red :) I ain't satiracal or lyrical but I want to say this without taking the p*ss lol I love you too much it hurts my head your the last thought on my head when I go to bed I dream of you every night we either having fun or a play fight :) I'm never submissive I would never bow down but if you were to be my lady you'd wear a crown, I ain't rich or handsome with possesions to give but I remember at all times life is to live, you once "accused" me of sittin on the fence which is maybe true but good god girl I'd love to watch you not doin anything bad dirty or sick lol but jus to watch and make me feel a good sick a thousand butterflies or lizards in my gut I slyly glance a peek at your butt lol but either way I would let you have my heart i would hold yours too (I hope) and we'd nebver part I protect and serve and honour yours as long as you don't chuck mine through sliding doors (??? don't ask I think I got a beat goin here or somethin lol) but I'll wrap this up and finish it now in all its glory,I love you end of. story

So bored now and my last lil piece of entertainment jus nearly made me hack my guts up.

sorry don't even know what to write lol and my emotional dump site is in poetry lool so that means here I have to be *British accent* "Here I have to be smart, funny, objective and above all respectable and intellectual." *coughs a lil and resumes normal accent* lol anywayz thinking today what if all the legends are true?? I.E dragons, Vampires, ghouls and Jesus.

We'd all be headin to hell in a handbasket pretty quick methinks lol.

Is an inanimate object evil?? Right now am looking at my wallet and thinking "Need to get some smokes" and well money is supposedly evil yet right now it isn't tryin to feed me to a blender or muggin me.Oh its what it does/cause's I hear you cry..........it comes from tree's which give us life (Oxygen ahhh can't live without it :) and well what it does is buy me smokes and cause's me lung cancer but wait thats the smoke not the inanimate object b4 me............................I think money is a scapegoat but we need it I just think its got a bad rep thassall and I think I may have used up all my intelligence brownie points 4 today so later y'all and may the goddess keep you well :)

You know up until uuuummmmmmmmmm 3 weeks ago I thought you know fear it was cool and great and seeing it in someone's eye's.............well I was wrong and stupid and got humbled in the mightiest f*cking way possible.

As some of you may know right now I'm doin a placement's around Royal Liverpool hospital and currently working in Theatre (surgery).

Anyway an old lady was brought in and unfortunately as well asd the impending operation she also had cancer, anyway here was this small vulnerable kind old lady lying on a cold table about to go in and she was apologising to me because she was crying.............................she thought I was uncomfortable and she was obviously not makin me uncomfortable I felt inadequate lol I could do nothing to makle her feel better.............................I normally love the taste of fear but now I choke on it it makes me sick............................any1 who's like "Oh yeah I feed onfear" I laugh at you, your idiocy, until then that moment I thought I'd seen fear REAL fear but in that room with a small frail old lady tryin to make sure I was ok and not embaressed tryin to hide her fear..................................from this day forward I will choke on it unless its my enemy but even then when all is said and done I'll wonder "did I need to do that to another human??!"